Types of Facebook Users PART 1

27 Jun

About 2 years ago someone asked me “Are you on facebook?” and I was like “Am I on WHAT??” atleast 3times. I mean what kind of a word is facebook?? Agreed its less weird than orkut but still face ka book?! Today I have about 250 friends and even a lot of family on ‘facebook’. It is a good way to keep in touch with people but why the information overload?

Despite hating it with passion I spend enough time there to be able to comparmentalise facebook users into 14 categories.

A Google search for “types of people on facebook” will get you About 58,300,000 results (0.20 seconds) but none of them were Indian in the essence. So here is a list of “Types Of Facebook Users” that I have personally suffered from.

Before you start going down the list, I want to apologize in advance if any of the type fits you. I know I have been there (unintentionally) in a lot of places listed below :)

Level of annoyance is top to bottom.

1. The Status Updater

Status update, the 160-character message that users post in response to the question, “What’s on your mind?” can be an artful, witty or newsy status update that can be a pleasure to read and provide you with a real-time, tiny window into a friend’s life.

Status updaters are of many kinds and almost all of them are annoying. They come online only to update status because they have no real work here and no one cares about them except the similar ones who comment on these ‘statuses’ hoping to get comments on their equally stupid status. Some people actually go to the length of asking you to comment on their crap. How desperate are you?

***PLEASE DON’T HATE ME IF YOU RECOGNISE ONE OF THESE AS YOUR OWN STATUS. I know you will.

(All of them are real. Not the best I could find but whatever I could manage in 10mins.)

  • Philosophical

Politics and philosophy are annoying enough in person but when someone decides to copy paste every stupid philosophical thought they come across (about love and life generally) as their status then why doesn’t someone tell them its NOT cool or interesting?

We can’t do anything about the length of your life, but we can certainly do something about its width and depth”

“If the task is performed in the consciousness that God is my companion then the impossible is possible”

To laugh at someone else’s misfortune is to display your own ignorance

The political ones are equally annoying especially if they exceed one line. Once in a while such things are okay but everytime all the time?? Why don’t you just put this up permanently “MY LIFE IS BORING”

  • Vague

God Dammit…I think ma mind is covered by some Carbon Dioxide and Methane in its atmosphere… Help me, its Global fucking warming in ma head…Ma eyes r facin d polar ice meltin nd the climate of ma head is on d rockz…Believe me guys, its nt d Whiskey dis time bt jst a stupid presentation…Yeah, dats wat it is…

wish i could keep u much longer (heart symbol)

life is so unfair … :(

miss lonely

feelin so lost. y lyf has so much pain??

hw can some1 whom v trust d most, hurt us til d core????

@lways together… yet forever apart!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, but you’re not being mysterious — just nonsensical.

You want sympathy? Ask for it.

  • Obscene

They are the ones who put up stuff like how much they enjoy drinking or making out. I don’t even wana put up one of those as examples here. Okay your family and you are cool but we are still backward. Please respect that just a little bit.

  • Countdowns

These people actually put up countdowns as long as 3weeks and without fail count all 21 days. And if by mistake you ask them what are they counting for, itl be either –“bas yaar hai kuch personal. Cant tell ya.”Abbe cant tell me toh fir yaha countdown kyu kar raha hai? Or itl be something stupid like results.

  • Show offs

It’s gonna be a crazzy nite!!

monday morning :( sucks !!!

come bak to bombay soon (name tags) n we will partieeee in pune and bombay…dubai is kinda boring now.

no more hangoverss!!

Plan 4 vacations almost set… :)

I get it. My life is boring. Yours is not. Now stop rubbing it.

Sombdy freak pray 4 me, m totally screwd up…2 presentations today nd m nt yet prep. :'(…Its jst kinda freakin me opf…

Okay so why are you wasting time here? Go prepare for that whatever.

Well…Hopin 4 sum 1 to get well soon… :)Else m gonna get unwell soon… :'(

Yeah we know you have a girlfriend/boyfriend. But who doesn’t? And if you are so worried about her/him go spend time with her/him rather than wasting it here.

  • Constant weather updates

Its okay for the first rains and exceptionally hot days maybe but honestly we do have a television to watch the weather updates. You can stop trying to save the world.

  • Song lyrics

I don’t mind if it’s a particularly catchy line from some nice song once in a while but what is Kyu tune dil toda, kyun tune yuh choda, kyun tera ab bhi rahe dil ko intezar……”

It takes 15mins just to understand whats going on.

  • Symbols

Defe@t i$ nt bitter unle$$ u sw@llow it…!!!;)

d ide@l attiude i$ 2 b physically loo$e n ment@lly tight.!!!;)

It looks cool if you are 10. Not 22.

I know the punctuation rules are different in the digital world but these make you sound like a moron.

  • Let me tell you every detail of my day

Probably the worst category who cannot let an hour pass without updating their status. Thanks to facebook, you know everything that this user does from the moment they wake up, their status is being updated. We know when they eat, when they use the bathroom, how they are feeling and countless other useless information about this user.

LISTEN . I don’t care! No one does. Get a life.

2. The Photo Uploaders

Tagging yourself in a picture is acceptable but having 1,000+ pictures of yourself is not only lame, it’s narcissistic.  We know your cool with your 2000+ friends list and we don’t need to be reminder by the 1,000+ pictures of you standing in front of your mirror striking poses and eating dinner.

  • Upload everything

These are typically the kind who take pictures with the sole aim of uploading them on facebook and title it with ‘random’ most of the times. They absolutely have to put up a photo of everything they do even if it is peeing. Yes. Some guys get themselves clicked in that pose (from behind thankgod) AND put it on world wide web. Thankfully girls don’t do it yet.

Believe me when I say I have come across an album titled “my accident” which had pictures of this guy displaying his raw wounds very fresh from some road accident and a few bandages. Gross to infinity.

Pictures were originally meant to show your best. What is it supposed to mean now?

  • Strike a pose

Tilt your head – Cute? Sometimes maybe. Stupid? Everytime.

The middle finger/ Peace sign – Cool? No. Lame? Yes.

Pouty lips, Hug your girls buddies – Sexy? Defiantely no. Homo? Mostly.

  • Cropped pictures that show only a part of your face

To hide the scary bits obviously.

  • In huge numbers

These are basically an extension of the first one – Upload everything. They go to every event with a camera in hand and takes hundreds of pictures. 15 minutes after attending any event, the pictures are already posted (waiting to be commented on). They don’t mind staying up the whole night to upload the nation-saving pictures. Typically their albums from every party/holiday rum into series of 1 2 3 and they don’t understand the meaning of word “selective”. How else can you explain the ‘what the hell is that’ hazy pictures, duplicate pictures and the most irritating – the rotated pictures that make sense after 90 degree head tilt.

  • People wearing not much clothes

I think these people are the social workers doing their bit for the starved males out here. Or the gay men seducing other gay men. No more comments.

  • Internet PDA Couple profile Picture

I know you are madly in love with eachother but sometimes somethings CAN be said in words.

3. The Inviter – Games/Applications/Quizzes/Social causes

By far THEEE most irritating. They never get tired of sending requests to cram your inbox. With great difficulty I have managed to block a lot of this nonsense but there is always something new.

Yes there was a time when I played Business tycoon and Pet society but the SHORT phases can be excused with curiosity. I have never understood all the obsession with Farmville. What do I do with this lost VIRTUAL black baby sheep you found on your farm? Even after bluntly saying I don’t want to play mafia wars or roller coaster park with you why do you still keep sending Multiple requests?

Some quizzes are so ridiculous that you cant stop yourself from taking them but since long facebook has started giving you an OPTION whether to publish the results/send requests to your friends or no. Use it people. You can spend all the time you want getting to know what day of the week are you, or the kind of sex position that suits you best or whatever else catches your fancy but please spare the others.

And how does it save Stripey the cub if I join this group? I admire your enthusiasm but do something real if you care so much for the planet.

4. The Always Online

Log in at whatever time of day (or night) and you WILL find them online. Even though they don’t trouble you as such but its creepy to see them online Always.

5. The Supposedly Famous Ones

Typically they have over 600 friends half of which are firangis with unpronounceable names. I have seen you in person and you are not even 1/4 as cool as it looks online. You are the most boring person I have ever met and the only thing you talk about is studies. The secret is out. You spend all your time looking for people you barely know and keep adding them.

Besides all those wall posts from people about losing your number and asking you to call them etc makes it clear that people are just pretending to care because its good to be friends with nerds. And the once a year they probably go out with friends is exaggerated with a lot and lot and lot of pictures posted online.

6. The Chatters

Chatting is one of the best babies of internet. Email is cool but chatting is now. And when facebook added this feature m sure everyone was happy. Or not. It doesn’t yet provide you an option to be invisible. You can either be online or offline. I mostly prefer staying offline because of people who-

  • Say hi and vanish

Firstly they start a conversation but beyond a Hi and Ssup, either they stop replying or talk in monosyllables. May be talking less and replying late makes you look busy. And seeing a lot of chat windows open in front of them makes them feel important.

  • Too much chat lingo

I kinda gt iritatd vn sm1 toks 2 me lik dis 4 2 long. cud b gr8 4 ya. bt it meses ma mind. vn vil u stp it? I gtg. lol.

Before someone accuses me, let me clarify that I don’t write like that 98% of the time. The 2% that I do write is mostly in sms but that’s because beyond 160 characters it becomes a second msg for which you are charged. And when I have the free messaging scheme I write full words. But otherwise also I have nothing against chat lingo. Only that a little too much gets a little too much.

  • The Chat Rat

This one has nothing better to do than to chat with innocent people on facebook. Stop trying to chat with us because we won’t take your phone calls. Because at the end of the day, this isn’t a chatroom. And stop LOLing on everything.

7. The Long Lost Friends

We were good friends…Once. About 12 years ago (which makes me feel so old). Thank you for remembering me and taking the pains to look for me. Its actually a nice surprise if you get an add request from some really old friend. But then it would be nicer if these friend talks after adding you. After the introduction and where are you, these ones never say anything.Why did you add me? Just to increase your friend list? Or to see whether I am fat and ugly now?

This type also includes the people you knew but weren’t really friends with. No harm in accepting the friend request because it looks rude if you don’t, but some guys get creepy. They scan your profile like a bug – every bit, every photo. Then they catch you online and ask all sorts of questions.

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6 Responses to “Types of Facebook Users PART 1”

  1. Vishal July 11, 2010 at 2:02 pm #

    Okay….this 1 hurt. Both 1st and 2nd article. It is analytical and funny thing and all that-right but it did hurt.

    • chilicheesetoast July 12, 2010 at 12:35 am #

      Why are you getting hurt????!! Vishal you are one of those people i like on facebook…no useless nautanki. simple nice communication.

      • Vishal July 12, 2010 at 1:50 am #

        Thanx! This 1 I liked:-)

  2. deepak July 7, 2010 at 7:57 am #

    in an era where facebook has literally become a virtual identity proof the above stated article shows a clear mirror to the ones hoged to it. brilliant.

  3. Yukti June 29, 2010 at 9:34 am #

    I couldn’t have agreed more. I especially hate the ones with status updates saying- “i am so depressed.” i always thought depressed people have withdrawal tendencies- they keep things to themselves, contemplate suicide and stuff. But on facebook, it seems they pretend to be ‘depressed’ just to gain attention or to invite someone to ask them why. Attention-Seekers!

  4. aparna June 28, 2010 at 10:27 am #

    good one.i really lol,in facebook language laughed out loud(here).me too an addict.

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