I lost my love, my life

21 Jul

You know Eddy (click to know who he is) as an engineering student. Here is another page from Eddy’s life…

Bored, cutoff, left alone, detached, distant, lonely, disconnected, divorced…is how I feel right now. Infact these words do not describe even 10% of what I am going through.

First my love, my better half , MY Compaq CQ 45 106 Au crashed. While I was slogging away at college, dreaming about her, little did I know what awaited me.  I had been downloading Call of duty : Modern warfare since 3-4nights and today my wait was to get over. By the time I would reach home, the download would be complete and I was set for the evening. I was desperate to play this game and be the first one in hostel to have it. What pleasure it is to have people begging you for something. And this was my chance. I rushed home from college without even saying bye to friends, and opened the .rar file. Avast detected a virus in the damned file and gave out a loud siren. I was consumed by greed and thought no virus can stop me today. I cursed and disabled the antivirus. The moment I opened the rar file, the lappie starting acting weird. CPU usage became 100% and about 1.5 gb (out of 2 gb) of RAM got allocated for some work. Her speed went down to the level of her ancestors. Great great great grandma. Now I was scared. What had I done to her? I tried to enable the antivirus but nothing happened. I panicked and did what anyone would have done in my situation – restarted her. But the damage was done. She wouldn’t talk to me and refused to boot. I was losing hope and then I remembered that yesterday I had removed recovery also to make space for the coveted game. F12 could do nothing now. I lost all hopes. Period.

I learnt the hard way – Laalach buri bala hai.

I was still coping up with the loss and had nothing to do in the evening. So I decided to go for a walk. Just me and my baby – Samsung Corby Pro. We would mourn for mummy and plan her treatment. Like my grief wasn’t enough for him to relish, god decided to test me further. He sent the rain god and took away my baby too. The sudden downpour did not give me a chance to put baby in the inside pocket of the windcheater. Before I knew what was happening, this one blanked out too. Just like that. My baby couldn’t survive this killer rain and went to his mumma. I tried to bring it back to life. Tried desperately. The water was dripping and the screen was pitch black..like her.

I almost lost consciousness. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted someone to tell me that this is just a bad dream and it wasn’t really happening. Somehow I dragged myself home. I was relived to see the room empty. I said a little prayer, apologized to god for all the bad things I had done and tried once again to get them back to life. Still nothing. I think a tear trickled down my cheek. I went for a hot shower, to sooth the aching heart.

I skipped dinner that night and went to sleep early. I couldn’t bear all the people around me with their phones and laptops. Once again I prayed that night for a miracle to happen. I woke up early in the morning hoping it was nightmare I would laugh about and tried again. I lost faith in god. The roommates asked me why I skipped dinner and if everything is okay. I told them the story in short and went for a bath. Quickly I dressed up and went down for breakfast. By now the news of my loss had spread. People consoled me and gave me all kinds of suggestions. No one knew what I was really going through. What had I done to my family. I left for college early. I wanted to be as alone as possible. Just me and my grief. I reached college and soon there also the sympathetic pats and loads of advice started pouring in. Someone gave me this to help me carry on with life.

Probably this was the punishment for the sins I committed in the past lives, the bad karma. Past lives because I certainly haven’t done anything in this life to deserve what I was going through. We were such an awesome threesome. All by ourselves, never needed anyone. One little happy family. All of it vanished in just a couple of hours.

Stranded , secluded, and solitary. I reached home (hostel room) to see everyone making slow love to their laptops. The sleek pretty things serving them like a good wife…obeying every command. Downloading free softwares, listening to music, watching movies, aimlessly surfing the web, playing games, chatting…all these luxuries that once defined my life now look like a distant dream. To make things worse the wifi router’s green LED is flickering constantly as if its taunting me, making fun of me for being stuck with this ‘thing’. It has a recharge of  Rs 100 that I especially got for my baby for him to surf net – 6o MB free per day for 30 days. The ‘thing’ has GPRS but it wouldn’t connect to the internet. I tried every two hours but it was behaving like a stubborn step-child who hated me and will do everything to make my life worse.

I threw it on the table and started reading the newspaper. I couldn’t concentrate and my head was heavy with the feeling of incompleteness. The ‘thing’ started vibrating and screaming loudly. It was so sudden that I almost got a heart attack. It was mom’s call. I told her about the double tragedy that had struck me. As expected she had no words of sympathy and told me to manage with the ‘thing’ until the rains stopped. She gave me a long lecture about not being careful and said that she wont give me the money for the treatment of my wife and child (she calls them laptop and phone respectively. Heartless I know…) before the rainy season ended. Had she lost her mind?? Had she forgotten this was Bombay? Here the rains don’t end. They just get worse. The rains were still gona stay for a good 2 months. There was no way I could stay alive that long without her and baby. But this wasnt the time to argue. I will have to try later. After 3-4 days may be. So I ended the conversation and switched the ‘thing’ to silent mode (thankfully it had that). I went to sleep.

I woke up for dinner. The sense of loss was weighing me down every waking moment. I could have killed for a look of Windows 7 screen and the Samsung animation. The sounds of startup all around me were making me a mad man. I decided it was safer to go down to the dining room. Food is generally the perfect cure for everything. But this wasn’t food. This was hostel food. Those who haven’t stayed in a hostel wouldn’t know what I am talking about. I had lost my appetite but I needed energy to survive and get them both back to life. So for the sake of my wife and child I gulped down the stuff and came back to room.

I tried to remember my life before technology. How and when did I fall into this addiction, I had no clue. Until college (about 2 years ago) what did I do? Back then I did not have a laptop or a phone. We did have a desktop , landline and papa’s mobile phone but I rarely used these things. So what did I do then? Why cant I remember anything…it wasn’t that long ago. And those people on streets without a phone or a laptop, how do they survive? I wanted to go back in time and see what my life was like then.

By now I had given up on treating her and baby myself. I would have to get professional help. Get the best doctors. But for that I needed money. The money my mom wouldn’t give me easily (and generously). I had no savings. So all I could do was wait. I could now feel the symptoms of addiction. It was like I wasn’t getting my daily dose of cocaine, methane, alcohol, marijuana whatever. I was feeling nauseated, sweaty and anxious. The eyes looked bloodshot and I became irritable. The peers and juniors faced sudden outbursts of anger. These people were good and rather took it well. They probably understood what I was going through and left me alone. I felt giddy and spaced out. Some of them even offered me their laptops for a while. I thought – Jo Eddy logo ko apna laptop deta tha 5-10 min ke liye net use karne ko, aaj wahi Eddy unhi logo ke saamne haat phela ke khada hai…

I had lost my love, my life. I could now feel the pain that Pearl Jam was talking about in Last kiss…

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?
The Lord took her away from me
She’s gone to heaven, so I got to be good
So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

I wanted to google ‘ways to suicide’. I realised I don’t have access to Google.

I wanted to see the beautiful green dots and the chat boxes. The conversations that don’t go beyond hi – ssup – nm. The sound of those pop ups was the virtual heart beat pumping life into my virtual life. The life that is dead now. I feel cut-off from the world…like I am in a solitary confinement in jail (poor Quasab). I have not updated my facebook status for the past 30 hours. How is the world surviving? I have not logged in to the 3 email id’s either. The heaps of new mail that must have collected (so what if its spam?). Everyone around me is taking quizzes and must be beating my scores in mind jolt games. This is the only chance these bastards have. I wanted to see how many likes and comments I got for my new profile picture that I changed just yesterday (taken specially on marine drive for putting up on facebook. Damn I look so cool in that one). The biggest tension is Farmville. How are my cows, my pigs and my farm . The losses I must have made in the last 30 hours. I must request someone to atleast harvest the strawberries before they rot. The 500 free msgs per day scheme is being wasted royally. I haven’t invaded the inboxes of my friends and family depriving them of their daily doses of jokes and gyan.

I look at my envied 1TB hard disk lying useless in a corner. She is the only one who seems to be as much in pain as I am. I should probably lend it to people who can make use of it. Such as people who have a working laptop. I had stocked this one well with movies, sitcoms, videos , songs and games (because of which I am in this situation). Patiently I had downloaded all the dope over the time as a savior for my days of loneliness. In the last 2 years (almost) I don’t remember feeling ‘bored’. Heck I had even forgotten the word. I had to complete the seasons of How I met your mother and Prison break (3rd time).

I now realize why a laptop is also called a Notebook. Its because when is stops working, it becomes like a college notebook that no one opens.

Tonight I will apologise to her and baby for all the times I have been rude and impatient with them. The times I let other people use them without TLC (tender loving care).

When I dropped my baby down the second floor and tapped him with pencils and pens while he gave me the best travel music and on the go internet. He made sure I was always accessible to anyone who needed me. The time I cursed him for being slow (like his mom) and today for forgetting to take him out in his ziplock rainproof cover. I am sure he will understand and forgive the last (even though fatal) mistake because he knew how sad I was for her.

I will say sorry to her for the times I have been selfish and kept her on all night (sometimes for days continuously) downloading torrents. But I also treated her with all the luxuries internet could provide (for free). I would scan her regularly and update the antivirus. I would defragment her once in a while and gave her Uniblue Registry Booster 2010 and also TuneUp utilities 2010. I had recently bought new clothes for her (brand new laptop bag) and double secured her with a polybag in rains. But now I can only clean her from the outside. As repentance for ignoring her cries of pain (through Avast) and letting those viruses get into the system and ruin her. Ruin us. I am cleaning her LCD screen with a soft white tissue and the area around exhaust fan with a toothbrush. I wanted to apologise and thank her for being my constant companion for all this time. Saying nothing when I dropped food and water on her keyboard or even forgot to switch her off in the night. Maybe she needed this break and will now return faster, stronger and mightier.

Tonight I shall hug them both and sleep. Together we will dream about the future. Life where I will play Call of duty : Modern warfare as soon as she starts working.

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6 Responses to “I lost my love, my life”

  1. typicalindiangirl July 8, 2012 at 11:43 pm #

    haha, you need some real problems in life, thats all I can say!

  2. Vishal July 26, 2010 at 10:39 am #

    Hahaha! Hillarious! I loved this one :-) i have also lost my baby, the one which is notoriously famous for its lack of immune system, nokia 5220 xpressmusic. But i m not sad, i m confused. Whom to adopt now? E63? Monte? Corby pro? Star 3g?

    • chilicheesetoast July 26, 2010 at 10:24 pm #

      we have a Corby Pro and a 5800Express Music. If money is constraint then Corby Pro. For detailed discussion meet me online :)

  3. Vishal July 25, 2010 at 12:58 pm #

    Hahaha….what a farce! Lollz where do you get all these ideas?! By the way i lost my baby too…of that breed that is very notoriously infamous for the lack of immune system…Nokia 5220 xpressmusic. But i m not sad, i m confused, whom to adopt now? E63? Star 3G? Monte? CorbyPro? 5320? Or may be it is 5230? No not back to xpressmusic. Any suggetions?

  4. Aditya Roy July 24, 2010 at 10:52 am #

    oh my poor ltl friend ur blog was seriously 1 of the most hilarious blogs i have ever read it was full of emotions (centi centi ),love , addictions and wat not but seriously man it very well written and my sincere appreciations for the blog and i hpe that ur child and her mom gt well soon.. tc ..,.,

    • chilicheesetoast July 24, 2010 at 1:34 pm #

      with your blessings my wife and child are doing well now ..and i’ll take good care of them in the future as well…
      thank you for appreciating the hard work we have put in the blog.

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